Feelings and Wall Narative

So... I'm in a weird mood. I've been trying to figure out what happens next and it's super frustrating. And I keep thinking why does this work out? Why does it turn out so happily? Life isn't like that.

Plus I was talking to a friend of mine and I was trying to describe this feeling that I had. But first I'm going to have you read this SUPER short story and see what you think and then I'll add my commentary. (If you don't want my commentary just stop at the end of the story) It's kind of deep and has a lot to do with me. So please don't feel obligated to read it. I just need to vent.

Wall Poem (yes, that's my title as of now)

I put out my hand and my fingers stroked against the rough, lichen covered stones of a massive wall. It looked worn and sturdy. How long had it been there? How long had I been unaware of it’s presence? The voice behind me murmured.

“You put it there, years ago.”

“Me?” I asked skeptically. One stone was a two feet tall and a foot wide, I don’t think I could’ve moved it, much less lifted it seven feet up. I turned but whoever had been standing behind me had vanished.

Turning back to the wall, I wondered if what the voice had said was true. If I had build the wall, why? Why did I feel the need to place a wall between me and the world? What was out there? Did I build the wall for protection? Was it dangerous?

Fear made the hair on my arms prickle in discomfort. Questions whirled around in my head. Part of me wanted to scale the wall and another wanted security in what I knew. Everything I knew was here, why should I leave it?

Slowly, hesitantly, I turned my back on the wall and promptly forgot about it.

Well?

Now I'm going to tell you what prompted it. So recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I am, what makes me do the things that I do, why I am the way that I am... You know just soul searching, trying to figure out what I want vs who I am at the moment.
I've discovered that (especially in this judgmental society we live in) People put up fronts to throw people off of who they are. We are all terrified of others finding out who we really are. I absolute HATE it. There are a few people in my life whom I feel are true and honest and completely at peace with who they are and I respect that. I may not like the person they are, but I respect the courage they have in showing who they are.
I feel like I put up this wall between me and people in general. I mean ALL people, including family and friends. Most of my life I didn't even realize I was putting it there. It just happened and I've only recently discovered that it's there.

This wall that I've built does two things, protects me from drama and the emotions of others and two, hides me. It protects my deepest darkest secrets and distorts my true self. Thing is I don't like my true self. I don't like who I am and the things I do. I'm not happy with who I am and so when I put up this wall, I not only fool everyone around me but lie to myself. That's just stupid and it's wrong.

For the longest time I've just ignored it and gone along with it.

I want to be the kind of person who can say exactly what she thinks and say exactly what she did without feeling embarrassed or feeling like she needs to edit. When someone sincerely wants to know something about me I want to be secure enough with myself to be open about it. I want to be honest with myself and others. Can you imagine it? Just being able to be so free and open? It sounds so liberating to me.

My friend argued that there are people who would judge and think things that were unfair. For example, lets say that I had gone to the opera and I was very excited and being very vocal, of course they would look at me and think, "What the?" with perhaps some disgust. But... I don't see what's so wrong about that... I mean, if they don't give me a chance and never really get to know me, then why should I feel obligated to be their friends and why should I have to reform who I am?

There are of course more serious examples, let's say that I cheated on a quiz and came forward about it. Forever there will be people who will look at me and think, "Oh, that's the girl who cheated." But I was honest and fixed the problem and struggle from that point on to never cheat again, so why should it be a problem?

Her argument was, why do they need to know?

My rebuttal was they may not need to know. But if they ask, I want be able to 100 percent honest. I never want to have to edit or lie. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of half truths and talking around things. Why can't we just come out and say things? Why can't I just bash down this stupid wall?